Bhai Sahab, aap convince hogaye ya main aur boloon?

I am always telling stories about myself. Not the kind of stories we read in books, nor usually incidents that have happened to me. By stories I mean that my conversations with people are an ongoing narrative about me. I have had this rather uncomfortable realisation for some time past now. I am eager for people to see me in a certain way- the way I perceive myself to really be- intelligent, sensitive, thoughtful, progressive, kind, ambitious, tolerant, friendly, witty, well-read, funny, trustworthy and so on. But what a very long list this is!

And so when I am in a conversation, I construct my discourse to reflect this. I am too quick to jump in with my own opinions, my own views, my own ' I knows' and 'I thinks' and 'I feels' and 'I believes'. In short, there is too much I floating around me, enveloping me, at times deafening me to them. I am scared that if I don't make my voice heard over others as quickly as I can, I won't be heard at all. In other words, I would be brushed aside as stupid and boring- someone with nothing to say at all. And that would be an injustice as I know that that's not who I am.

And there I go again with my 'I knows'. The truth is that I crave approval. A not so unusual desire, you might say. Yes, in some ways, we are all looking for approval, from parents, friends, managers, even our children. Yet, I hear myself say all the time- oh, I don't really care what people think. But I do. Oh yes, I do. And hence the verbal diarrhoea centered around 'I'.

Reminds me of a scene in Jab We Met where Kareena Kapoor says to the ticket inspector on the train Bhai Sahab aap convince ho gaye ya main aur boloon? Alas, my daily social encounters are not so straightforward, nor am I as unaware of myself as Kapoor's character in the movie. You already read the long list of great qualities I think I possess.

I am too aware of myself. I am too much about me.

I wish to be like the few gems I have come across who listen to me and make me listen to what I am really saying. They have this serene look on their face and an absolute lack of the need to cut in with anything that begins with an 'I'. They don't need approval or affirmation of their qualities because they don't think they are all that anyway. They don't tell too many stories about themselves not because they are smug and already sure about their greatness but because they genuinely believe that others' stories may be more interesting, more educating.

That I believe is the origin of that serene look....the death of their egos. The scarcity of self-centered stories....